Moby-Dick by Moby-Dick Himself
by MarieHorton
Summary: We all know Herman Melville's grand sea-story, the stirring tragedy of Moby-Dick, or The Whale. But what if Moby himself told us how it really happened? Here it is: the true story by the White Whale. Full of Ish/Quee slash, some Stubb and Flask action, and plenty of Ahab-bashing. I'm warning you though- Moby is quite the hothead with quite the mouth sometimes. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: Introductions

Hi y'all! I'm Marie, the author of this most likely sucky Moby-Dick fanfiction. It's the classic story, retold by the White Whale himself. Warning... Moby is an angst-ridden leviathan with a bit of a nasty mouth. Viewer discretion is advised, if you really care. It's got some Ishmael/Queequeg action, some Stubb/Flask (am I the only one who loves them as a couple?), and plenty of Ahab-psychoticness. Of course, I don't own the book, so all credit to the amazing Herman Melville himself for writing one of the best books on this planet. I love you, Hermy. When I get to heaven one day, I shall kiss your feet in thanks. Well, with that clear... Forth with the story!

Call me Moby-Dick. Or just Moby, that's better. Yeah, I'm the White Whale, the dreaded Leviathan, or whatever the hell Ahab's christened me. People say I'm evil. I'm a ruthless killer with no regard for human life. Not exactly. It's not that simple. I'm an outcast from the other whales with no entertainment. That's why I go attack people. I'm bored and full of angst. At least I'm not a liar. Damn right I tore off Ahab's leg. Should've torn off the other one too, when I had the chance.

The book is named for ME. Moby-Dick. That's ME, bitches. Not that punk-ass Ishmael kid who narrates the book like HE owns it. Since I'm the star, I'll tell you how the story really happened.

You may be wondering how I can know the story, being in the world wide ocean and all. Well, I followed the Pequod throughout the voyage. And how I know the parts that happened on land? I'm Moby-friggin'-Dick. I have sources. I know these things. I know where you sleep.

Okay. That was just weird. In an effort to creep you out any less than I already have, let's start the story, shall we?


	2. Chapter 2: Loomings?

Ahhh. Here we are. The magical city of New Bedford. See that guy right there? He's Ishmael: a depressed, whale-obsessed schoolteacher turned sailor. Looks like he's headed out of town, on his way to… Nantucket? Oh, I see. He'll go to Nantucket, where he'll get on a whaling ship to kill my kin for oil. Humans: gotta love them!

Wait, he's stopping somewhere! The… Spouter Inn? Peter Coffin? Yikes. Doesn't seem like a jolly place. But, he's going in. Let's follow him.

Hmm. Not as bad as I expected. But the place seems quite full, our little sailor buddy might not be able to get a room.

'Hello, landlord. I'd like a room, please.'

You idiot! They're full, can you not see?

'Oh, we're out of rooms. You got two options, skrimshander, you can sleep with a stranger, or you can leave and find another inn.'

Well, that's not much of a question. What type of dumb-ass would...

'I'll sleep with someone here.'

If I had a definite face, the largest facepalm ever would have just taken place. I have no words for the idiotness that just took place.

With a little wink that should've creeped Ishmael out, the landlord led him to a room, where he proceeded to get into the bed, waiting and waiting for his bedmate to arrive.

And a few minutes later, arrive he did.


	3. Chapter 3: Here Comes the Cannibal!

Whoa. That is one crazy-looking guy. He had tribal tattoos all over him and was pretty much bald. He looked like he was a people-eater from somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. What a creep.

Obviously, Ishy thought so too, because when Queequeq (that's our cannibalistic buddy's name) walked in and took off his clothes (mysteriously, his pants and underwear, too) to get into the bed with him, he freaked.

I mean, freaked. Like, screaming like a bitch and trying to run out of the room. But Queequeq locked the door, (I wonder what this means…) so he was trapped. The landlord came running, of course thinking that Queequeq had killed and eaten Ishmael. When he opened that door, all hell broke loose and the wrath of Ishy exploded.

'PETER COFFIN, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!'

Tell 'em, Ishy.

Again, Coffin gave Ishmael that seductive wink and said,

'Queequeq here wouldn't harm a fly! And besides, I think you'll enjoy sleeping with him…' After that, he trailed off into some sort of daydream. I don't think I want to know the thoughts going

That was creepy. Not creepy enough for Ishmael, because after Coffin explained some stuff to Queequeq in cannibalistic-idiot talk, the two went to bed together. And that wasn't all.


End file.
